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Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!" 
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.
How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data
I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..
That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.
I’m gonna tell you something right now, tis not the time to have allergies.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Maybe if I develop feelings for Covid 19 it will leave.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."
Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.
I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me. 