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We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that. 
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head
Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.
Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."
The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..
I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.
It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks
Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.
Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower
Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best
I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World . 