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What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell? 
It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...
Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?
Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".
it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.
Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.
Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"
If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?
I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.
"Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]
I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat
I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.
The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.
Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.
‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns 