Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.