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Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree. 
if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...
Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself
My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means
If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.
My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.
There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined
I wish my wife would look at me the way Biden looks at the back of Obamas head.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”? 