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When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years. 
I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)
Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself..!!
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"
Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.
The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself
Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?
I was hoping Apple would replace Siri with Morgan Freeman on the iPhone 5
If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.
I swear the question "what do you want to eat?" Leads to more fights then any other phrase..
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Love doesn’t walk away, people do.
If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.
I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...
If someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye
When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH" 