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The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously 
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."
Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up
Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.
Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
If Batman and Catwoman had a kid, it would become either a Batcat, or the less popular Manwoman.
Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!
I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.
My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.
may the bridges I burn light my way...
Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.
I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"? 