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I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop. 
So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?
When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?
Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the f#*k is Justin Beiber?"
People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.
CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!
I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them
The Chileans take hide and seek way too seriously
his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?
Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.
I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."
im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.
I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.
Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)
I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.
With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch. 