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One good thing about daylight savings time is the clock in my car is finally correct! 
Day 4 without a shower. I hope stink kills the virus!
Literal Cheesy Pick-Up Line: Excuse me, are you Swiss? I'd love to check out your holes.
How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?
And on the second day of the flood, Moses wrote : Captains Log ; Unicorn stew is the Best food ever !
Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"
I will never have abs. Because I love eating keb abs
I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*
I'm a bird watcher. But when I go bird watching it seem to makes the men unconfortable in the men room
When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease
I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.
I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping
Which Knee? the left knee? the right knee?...the weenie?
Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price
Xbox has been my girlfriend for awhile, I think it's time we see other people...
Could schizophrenia be just a permanent high burnt in the brain from smoking too much? So permanent high?
My new girlfriend takes my breath away...she's insatiable and inflatable....then, sadly, I poked her.
Behind every great woman is a great behind.
So apparently your girlfriend isn't supposed to have an Adams apple. Guess that's why she only wanted an@l. 