Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze. 
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.
When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."
Sometimes when I play a game on my computer ,the screen goes dark . and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me
Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom
SCARIEST THING EVER: Flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down
I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.
GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF:Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now hunny and you sweetheart ? GF:In the club standing right behind you
Late fees make no sense. Charge me more money for not having enough money to pay you in the first place. Same with overdraft fees. I'm $2.00 short in my account (which means there is no money in there)......so take out $35.00 more.
I hate when people ruin my status by commenting with their lack of humor.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50 cents.
Just Overheard on BlackOps online;Guy 1: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!!!! Guy 2: I know I Hate my sister!
sneezing + taking a leak + Morning wood= one big mess
Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.
Never trust anyone who says "Im not supposed to tell anyone but..."
started taking Gingko Biloba pills to improve his Memory...but, he keeps forgetting to take them!
Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.
I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap... 