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Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night. 
What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.
I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.
I like my women like I like my coffee, sent back for not being hot enough…
Weeds not a drug? Ha! Ya and Tomatoes aren't Vegetables! Wait....they aren't!
I will no longer need your services REAL LIFE...I Now have MineCraft!
Home from a long day so please don't call or text me. Gonna combine my favorite things... Yep, I'll be Napping Off.
Love when people update their Facebook page 20+ times a day. Frickin annoying. We get it you are important!!
My beard is the welcome mat to my face.
: The average man can't tell if a woman is about to give him a kiss or a slap in his face.
He who shoots girlfriend on valentines day deserves an OSCAR award
Im designing a New perfume for all the girls who forgot to shave, It's called "Forever Alone"......... It smells like a Cruise ship on fire at sea!
Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything
I'm fat because of genetics my whole family is fat. NO!! your whole family Is fat because they all eat like hogs.
I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.
Doctors report a spike in Harlem Shaken Baby Syndrome....
Vegas - Where women proudly show off their legs. San Francisco - Where men do the same.
Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....
I'm playing the Titanic drinking game. Every time you see someone dead you have a shot of vodka! 