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Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a proper sport or a slim person in America 
heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!
Just went out to my neighbors front yard and wrote "Merry Christmas" in his yard by pissing in the snow
U know you mexican when you wrap christmas presents with a knife instead of scissors.lol
Hey squirrel, your tail looks gay
Nice guys finish last because they make sure their woman cums first. ; )
Scientists at the Department of Microbiology Research are studying over 300 types of virus and bacteria. Or as they refer to her, "Mary the African prostitite"
10 black guys said hi to me today. all I wanted was 1 white guy
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to G0d, I'm the Loyal Opposition." ― Woody Allen
My nephew clogged the toilet and "forgot" to tell someone. His name is Hunter & he blew out a septic system
Bieber got a brit award. This makes me want to stick my genitals in a deep fat fryer...
As the great philosopher Miley Cyrus once said "So I put my hands up they are playing my song the butterflys fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah, it's a party in the USA
I found Jesus today , he was between the sofa cushions next to the TV remote.
if you ever get mauled by a bear with chain saw hands, I hope he stays away from your face because I think your cute <3
I ate so many Popsicles yesterday that I just farted a rainbow ..
Rock a bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all. Really? Why the hell did you put you kid in a tree for anyway?
How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Camp Lejeune bottled water is now outselling Bud Lite.
am I the only person who thinks Michael Jackson isn't dead ..... he's just hiding with Elvis. 