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informs you that contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name 
feeling a few fries short of a happy meal today. . .
playing russian roulette with Robert DeNiro. Damn he's good.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Over dramatic people make me want to go on grand theft auto style rampages
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials
What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?
Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.
Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.
Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.
Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are.
when did the world give up on Common Courtesy
My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.
: Say this fast- { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it
A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
The way I just scratched my back on the corner of this wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.
Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." 