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Our relationship with life itself is compared to a kidnapping situation. The only choice we have is to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome which means that if we don't symphatize with our kidnapper, it will screw us all up. 
can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.
feels sorry for the blind girl at the beach today... she doesnt know how ugly her boyfriend is...
wonders how many times he should ignore his girlfriend telling him she put her tampon in the wrong hole?
The most useful tool in the office is the stapler, because if a coworker doesn't shut up you can staple his shirt to their chair and simply throw it at them.
I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
ITS Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!
Evil enters like a splinter and spreads like herpes...
This morning William said "Good morning, Mrs. Duchess," Kate said "Good morning, Mr. Duke," and then a sparrow threw up.
if I was any more stressed I would complain but I'm not so I wont. instead I choose to be thankful that fart didnt smell that bad.
Really listened to "Freebird" last night. The guy is a bird you can't change. He's an unchangeable bird. And there's a guitar solo. Classic.
Drivin around town with Cee lo's girl. Go ahead and write another stupid @ss song about it.
Shakespear in prison: To take it or not to take it, THAT is the question
Googled "Bing" then Asked to find Wikipedia.
I think it's possible that Hitler and Lewis Black had the same acting coach.
How did the Wicked Witch of the West not die of thirst long before Dorothy showed up?
Guy at coffee shop just asked for a "croissant" like he's totally a French person. It's like, calm down, dude.
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs
When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you're either doing something very right, or something very wrong.
***** if you think there should be a "dude I wasnt that drunk" category 