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I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips. 
From now on, if we text longer than a week, we better fall in love. If not, you paying my phone bill for wasting my unlimited texts.
To see my family over the holidays I have an appointment book. Just so there is no fender benders.......
You'd think there were more UFO sightings with all these action cams and camera phones.
I wish I loved anything as much as fat chicks love to tell people that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.
Me: Siri, why hasn't he texted me back yet. Siri: Calling Pizza Hut.
Walk around like a secret agent. Hand cuff yourself to a briefcase and take public transportation. . .
if you use "tbh" and then someone calls you a ©unt. They are right
I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.
I saw a pretty girl and asked her "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven" She jumped in and said "That's an old line." I told her "you didn't let me finish... I was saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, like Satan?"
If God wanted more people to attend church why doesn't he lower the price of gas?
I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.
I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.
I am Gadaffi stressed right now.
Dear ladies. I know you are "twice the woman", but that doesn't mean you have to wear twice the swimsuit...A one-piece will do much better
reading other statuses right now, but your status is important to me. Please stay online and your status will be read in the order it was received. Approximate wait time is 17 mins.
do not go to Jareds...he's creepy. He had no diamonds....just a huge pair of jeans that smelled like sandwiches and folds and folds of SKIN!
In _____________ they consider counting sheep a wet dream.
Remember, folks, today is National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.
So far, this is the oldest I've ever been. 