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a social drinker. Someone says "I'll have a drink" and she says "Social I." 
Tonight's itinerary: watch MMA fight, go to hockey game, drink beer, scratch my balls.
"I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....
Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"
If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.
maybe Jimmie Johnson is a better driver than I thought.... he managed to give Rick Hendrick a blow job and drive a victory lap at the same time...
Homosexual has the same number of letters as cantaloupe. Coincidence? Yes.
If women that like younger men are cougars are older men that llike young men Nittany Lions?
Why is it of the few times I actually turn my TV on I'm subjected to seeing one of these stupid Geico commercials? The talking Gecko is not funny or cute. Newsflash Geico, your uncreative pointless commercials blow ass.
Scientifically proven not to induce insanity in chimpanzees
out clubbing last night, beat my record of 24 seals!
I am not fat....Love for food has made me a nutritional overachiever.
Don’t trust people who avoid the sun. They’re shady.
Got a problem? iI got a problem solver……and his name is revolver.
wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals
FUBAR
My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.
I can say everything I will ever need to say to you with one finger.
Its weird how Wall street was up and running like nothing happened, ....Oh my bad, I forgot....TeamRich&Wealthy with 2 or 3 homes flew or boated in to work. 