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honestly believes girls are like parking spaces...good ones are already taken! and the ones left over are handicapped 
Yesterday I had a religious experience: I was repressed and beaten by a man in a black robe.
I officially give up...lol oh well I guess thats why god gave me hands and man made energizer batteries lol
walked into a woman on the street today which is weird because va-ginas aren't usually that big...
What do you do if your Kotex are on fire? Throw them on the ground and tamp on it.
I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.
imagine how pissed Batman gets whenever Robin uses foursquare. "The location of the Bat Cave is meant to be a secret, so STOP checking in!"
I used to have super powers, but my psychiatrist took them away
Goodbye, Rosalyn. You will not be missed. I hope you enjoyed yourself with the staffer! :)
Lindsay Lohan is a dumbass. I think I'm going to sue E*trade too because my daughter's name is Lindsay and she has name recognition too!
If your wife or girlfriend forces you to carry a "man bag", it's official: you've been "pursey whipped."
pitching a tip to George Lucas for a new robot in the next Star Wars, the H1N1.
excited when her friend asked her to come and see saw, then dismayed when we drove straight past the playground and arrived at the cinema...
just tossed his wifes salad... with a lovely sesame ginger vinaigrette.
There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.
I just LeBron Jamesed my pants. Is that a thing yet?
Sometimes I wish I could Ctrl, Alt, Delete my life
Really hates the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom. Hang up your towel, save the planet from extinction.....Leave the Towel on the floor, a Panda dies!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.
A man asks a HOT woman "will you go on a date with me" She says "your not my type" Man Quickly replies "You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!" 