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My heart has a combination lock on it,figure out the code and you can have whats inside <3 
I'm so awesome that before I was born, my mother had an ultrasound, and they asked for a sequel.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Nuts on a wall: Walnuts. Nuts on a chest: Chesnuts. Nuts on a Chin: BJ
called Rick Astley last night to see if I could borrow some of his Disney Pixar dvds. He said "sure, no problem, you can have anything you want", but I'm pretty sure he's never gonna give me "Up."
My poor girlfriend. She's been sick every morning so far this week. I hope she starts to feel better.
The Flying Spaghetti Book: Garlic 3:16, And the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son and that who so ever should believe in him should not perish but have everlasting pasta, rAmen.
Be careful on how you pronounce "Schwarzenegger." You may upset some black people around you
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I was devastated to hear about the bombings in Boston yesterday. Now, I'm all smiles hearing about the 7.8 earthquake that hit Pakistan and Iran today.
GO HEAT! I don't mean the basketball team, I mean the temperature. It's so #&@^$#% hot out, I wish it would just go.
Quierd = new word I just made up of being questionally weird to the point its queer weird. Example: This morning my wife stuck a broomstick up my a ss to wake me up, I felt quierd!
X says you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist
And Jesus said unto the woman, "Your face alone shall be used as birth control." - Luke 4:14
If she can still walk after se x to make you a sammich... then you're doing it wrong...
Wanna make her smile ? Tell her you are hungry and when she replies "What you want to eat" you say "YOU"
Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?!
I can't afford an iPad so I got an iPatch instead.It's the pirate version ... Aarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh
How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!
Bad luck last night USA, never mind, you'll do better in the American Football World Cup - oh, wait....... 