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How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal? 
Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes
When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.
Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!
No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.
My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.
Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!
What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.
i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package
The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.
*Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying 