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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first. 
For one who thinks they're never wrong. I bet his school teachers found him to be a "real pleasure" to have him as one of their students.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.
I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Clown Lives Matter
KellyAnne Conway looks tired and flustered every day!
If anyone from Chile ever asks me to play hide-n-seek, I am going to hide first cause those guys are good!
Let's start a post that will be positive . . . . What is on your Christmas wish list?? (in the real world, of course we'd all like more money, etc....)
just risked a car accident to type this...
Paul Newman's half-Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too, put them together, what a fine looking Jew
We have Gandhi - India...beat that...Oh wait... he believed in non-violence
I bet the vampires goes crazy when Bella is ragging....
"Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!
President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."
It sucks to live in the shadow of your older brother or sister. Imagine if Jesus Christ had a little brother or sister. How do you live up to THAT?
ever notice how a newborn is like a pothead..."whoa, look at my hand...it has fingers"
I like big butts, but unfortunately I do lie. So really, I dont like big butts...Or do I? You'll never know.
Math questions are so freaking stupid! Like for example “If I had 30 chocolate bars and I eat 29, what do I have?” Hmmm…. I dunno… Diabetes maybe???
So let me get this straight....a giant bunny rises from the dead, commits a bunch of sins, then we eat a pig?
Even if I had 1 wish.. I wouldnt wish for you 2 Love me, Cuz I dont want your Love to come from a wish.. But straight from your Heart ♥ 