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Yoga pants have given way to skirts and dresses, and trust me ladies. The guys are just as stoked as you are. Potentially more stoked. #spring 
When you have a side chick is that a mutual agreement? kind of like a mutual agreement between a boyfriend n a girlfriend? she agreed to just be the side chick or do she just not know she is? how does this work? asking for a friend....
I advise you...don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
The spice girls were right...f cuk the police
Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .
My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
How much for the coping mechanism? Ma'am that's alcohol..
where there’s a will, the dead guy was probably rich.
Some of my strongest friendships started with a blunt
some how I stabbed myself in the eye with the corner of a business card. Is that a good enough excuse to buy an eye patch and wear if for a week? Being a pirate for a.week would be awesome
Lots of Movers and Shakers in Napa This Morning ...
Boy the way Led Zeppelin played, songs that debuted on MTVeeem, guys like us were getting laid. . . those were the days. . .
If Ray Rice and Jay-Z have taught me anything this year it's just take the stairs…forget those elevators
If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"
I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.
"Don't try to understand everything. Sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted"; it means, I need money, or I'm idiot, or I'm crazy.
Happy International Men's Day!!!
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpies. Then laugh all you want, but you'll still have herpies.
Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a stick shift, you have a girlfriend ...
There are three sure signs of getting old. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two. - 