Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
this upcoming snowstorm will really deflate the patriots balls 
Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers.
Hi! Welcome to T witter. We're the men and women behind your Facebook friends' funny s tatuses.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 married people high five each other because it’s positive.
it's a jungle out there and I ain't lion!
Just throwing this out there... Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty as the new Terminator.... the Siborg
"Try googling Google and then hit lucky.....then Bing Bing, and Yahoo Yahoo. If you really bored Bing Google then Google Bing Yahoo" - me at the bar talking to a nerdy girl drunk!
It's sofa king cold today!!
With my luck that Southwest plane would have landed in rebel terrorist controlled Syria!
It's so darn cold outside I saw a redneck'a tooth chattering!
I guess papa johns is going to start serving pizza turnovers
Hey! Idiot! 74 hashtags is good for your instagram picture! No...not 2 or 3...74.
Sometimes I take things too far. I know this.
The Academy has eight best picture nominations this year. How do they expect me to watch them all before Oscar night? I haven't even seen Star Wars eight times yet!
Drake's music so soft when I play it my speakers float away.
Obamacare: Emergency Room Physicians have weighed in... "Stop sticking things up your butt... Don't tell me you sat on a toy fire truck!"
The lions in the den Daniel from the bible was thrown into was the first documented sighting of vegetarians.
Promiscuous wizards often get staff infections. bippity, boppity, BOOOOO! HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I had a good Halloween, I went on the cheap and gave out ketchup, mustard and soy sauce condiments that I've been saving from take out for the past year. . .
I'm sorry I keyed your car, but you didn't text me good morning. 