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South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there. 
Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.
Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.
Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?
My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.
I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!
She asked if I was horny, it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m a man.
No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.
Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? Hell no!
Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.
Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!
Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.
The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.
I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone
Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.
Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever
I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.
Umm...it's frigid...not fridged...'fridged' is something yous stored in the refrigerator hahha
Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!
It's not about the chase, it's about the kill 