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If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road. 
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.
"AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.
I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.
Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.
I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm
An organization can be famous for being a bad example.
Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.
You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!
I also refuse to turn the beat around........
Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.
1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.
Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.
This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...
Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.
Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.
If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus. 