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If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid. 
Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked
n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.
If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.
"Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...
Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."
I don't run away from my problems. That's immature. I ignore them.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.
My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute
Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!
You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.
The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.
wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...
Miley Cyrus is going to coach and mentor the Top 11 Finalists on American Idol...In related news, the same agent has booked Tiger Woods to be the mentor on The Bachelor ... 