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Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side. 
My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.
BREAKING: FBI finds John Wilkes Booth "extremely careless" in discharge of firearm.
In Jurassic World, they were able to train raptors. Still not as impressive as the Flintstones convincing a bird to be their record player.
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.
I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.
It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.
The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.
I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
.... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?
I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."
I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.
FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.
A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...
Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.
Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap. 