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So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story? 
My insomnia has narcolepsy...
learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.
To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!
the font smaller, or am I on acid??
Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?
Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?
In a meeting: "Let me reiterate what was just said" can be translated to "I have nothing productive to add but I like the sound of my own voice and think I'm important so I think I need to waste 5 more minutes of all your days"
gets loads of email adverts for Viagra. I asked the pharmacist, "Can I get it over the counter?" and was told, "You may need two tablets for that Sir."
: When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Yellow 5, Tocopherol and less that 2% Natural Flavors....then make lemonade!
Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.
ya ever notcie that the most comfortable one can be in bed is always one minute before you have to get up?
If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...
Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!
Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.
Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.
When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
Girls just wanna have fun? Yeah right, just try and not get her a Christmas present and see where that gets ya.
Dear Zuckerberg: Please create a "Drama Queen" button = Like = Unlike = Drama Queen = Comment
gonna make a bundle in zodiac tattoo removal!!!! 