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The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t. 
"I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"
The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from
Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!
10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'
A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll
Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea
Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.
“Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.
The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.
You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.
Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......
Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."
I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.
hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!
contains Adult language, Mild Violence, Brief Nudity and Strong Sexual Content. Viewer discretion is NOT advised.
doesn't mind taking a leap of faith, he just needs a good run up! 