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Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl. 
be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.
Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.
I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.
Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.
So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.
I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.
The real St. Valentine was beaten, stoned and then beheaded...now that would make one hell of a Hallmark card...
If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?
How the hell does an "aspiring rapper" have a Maserati??? 