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If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant. 
Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.
I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."
I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.
It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.
Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.
According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.
If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.
How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!
I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!'' 