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Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?". 
My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.
Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".
Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.
Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "
The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.
I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere
If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.
Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.
I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee
To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .
I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.
Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.
I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.
Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.
My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"
Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.
Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”. 