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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years 
Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.
When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses
I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.
Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.
I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!
Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.
''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''
The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.
The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone
I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again. 