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My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom. 
You know ladies, us guys may not know what its like to have "that time of the month" but we sure have front row seats to it.
My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
Kate is officially a milf
Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.
Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.
Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"
I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.
Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.
So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.
So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.
I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?” 