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I only date Calendars. 
To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.
there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......
I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.
Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.
Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.
Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!
I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.
Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.
To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.
Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.
wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face. 