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If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves. 
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**
Dear Wikileaks...where is the fkn video already...Sincerely, USA
My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.
now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.
Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.
Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”
Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.
Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.
Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.
I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI
Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
"Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.
I don't make typos...I make new words
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine. 