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Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough. 
If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI
wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.
wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"
If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.
loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.
Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.
Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...
If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.
Could I borrow your face for Halloween?
I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.
if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself
There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.
If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever. 