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Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell. 
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.
Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?
that awkard moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out
All women want is sex , while the guys just want to talk about feelings and cuddle..
I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.
Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!
I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.
PROUD to be serving as a Paratrooper in the U.S. Army Infantry....
wondering what would happen if he wrote, "For Marijuana" in the memo field of all his checks? ...
Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.
Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders. 