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The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad) 
Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries
"What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)
I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? its giving me a false sense of anxiety...
just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!
this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .
I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. A friend or money?
thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them
Have you thought about being a bit selective when uploading photos. We don't need to see the WHOLE PHOTO SESSION.
I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.
Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?
Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me. 