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Realizes that the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. 
100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.
If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)
Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.
For Valentine's day, my husband didn't go to Jared. He went to work. I think that the steady paycheck says "I love you" much better than a shiny rock could.
cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding....I'm looking at Hustler and having a beer,
Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed
Pandora tells me what music I like, Netflix tells me what movies I like.. Refrigerator: Why are you such a slacker?!"
Sometimes I fake dumbness just to see how far people will go with their lies.
dear automatic flushing toilet, I wasnt finished. calm the FUWK down!!!
Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred...
1) Type in google "50 Most Popular Women" 2) Find something with abcnews.com 3) Click on it 4) Look Who has "Nr. 7" position 5) Have a nice laugh)))
When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"
Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?
worried that my drinking might be affecting my memory. I'm also worried it might be affecting my memory.
Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?
Earlier today I passed a street sign that said "Dip". I have an idea, instead of putting in the time and money into the "Dip" sign, how about filling in the dip?? Just a thought. If the bridge went out, would they just put up a sign that said, "River"?
Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.
I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough." 