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Dear girls who take pictures in the bathroom, I'm taking a dump in the stall behind you..sincerely.. Dont forget to tag me 
Dear God, This year, please send clothes for all those poor women on Uncle Bob's computer. Amen
In about 40-50 years from now, there sure is going to be a lot of old women walking around with tattooes.
Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.
I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.
A$$ ICONS: (_!_) - Regular A$$ ; (__!__) - Fat A$$ ; ( ! ) - Tight A$$ ; (_*_) - Sore A$$ ; (_o_) - Well used A$$ ; (_e=mc²_) - Smart A$$ !!!!! :D
If your drug dealer is always on time, he's a cop
Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
my phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
Saying "I'm offended" is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?
If cockroaches can survive nuclear war and chemical warfare, then I want to know what is in a can of RAID?
After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.
One of the most important things I've learned in life is to have at least one person with whom you never need to explain yourself.
I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
If a guys says ''I can't feel anything wearing trhis condom!'' Ask him if he can feel you sucking the money out of his paycheck for trhe next 18 years!!!'' 