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I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it. 
Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.
I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.
I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.
Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.
Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.
Wanna know who your real friends are? Disable your facebook page a week before your birthday and see who calls you on your birthday. WARNING!! May cause depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Use this technique at you own RISK!!!!
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice
Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say
I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.
I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.
If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay. 