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Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle. 
February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!
thinkin' about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party.
read that Pat Robertson claims all the snow on the East Coast is God punishing them for Jersey Shore.
You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Dogs see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "He must be God." Cats see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "I must be God."
Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"
I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.
The next person to tell me I overreact is going to get stabbed.
You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter. 