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I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting. 
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop
unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.
When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.
If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!
I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.
Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo
Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.
Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.
"Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"
It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."
A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?
When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.
wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.
If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.
Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again
Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.
feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me. 