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Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy. 
Before you judge people, make sure you're better than them, or at least you're not one of them.
I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question
Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie
, "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".
Tell your friends that the F5 key puts photos back the way they were on facebook:)
suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...
ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.
The packers were in it right up until the end of the national anthem.
..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....
Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.
A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.
We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier 