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I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work. 
What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and pregnant girl have in common? In each situation there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time.
Having a good vowel movement keeps me from being consonantpated
The only "B" word you should call a girl is beautiful. B!tches love being called beautiful.
Somebody should tell fat girls that multiple ear piercings won't make them look skinny.
George Zimmerman needs to meet Dexter
So cold I accidently keyed my car with my nipples.
For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Life Observation: No matter where I live, my neighborhood has NEVER been even remotely the first stop on the mailman's post route.
Sorry,Philip Seymour Hoffman, hard to say RIP to someone who was so talented,directing 2 films, employing several people, having the world by the tail and to end up being found in a hotel with a needle in his arm.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Necrophilia, puts the fun in funeral
You guys want further proof there is no God? Justin Beiber is starring in his own movie about himself. Called Justin Beiber Never say never... IN 3D!!!!!! wish I was lying...
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol
WELL DONE AMERICA!! THE WORLD CELEBRATES WITH YOU!!!
I'm incredulous over the fact that changing the name and picture on a pancake box has yet to result in racial unity.
Joe Biden reminds me of a drunk hobo ranting on a corner for a free beer.
Ok so everyone was bustin' Bush for hurricane Katrina in new orleans .... now where the hell is obama when we're having the biggest natural disaster in history .... its been 6 weeks, wtf is he doin besides watching the playoffs
What were electric eels called before the discovery of electricity? 