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I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms 
I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Things you can say when you have nothing to say: 1. It is what it is 2. It's just not meant to be 3. Everything happens for a reason 4. Word
LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.
Due to the economy......The 5 second rule has been upgraded to the 10 second rule. We just can't afford to be throwing away food....
Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm using my hand, But I'm thinking of you.
Oh, you wear a NORTHFACE Jacket ? You must go on sooo many adventures......
Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'
Hell hath no fury like a Poptart that hasn't had time to properly cool off.
When things don't add up in your life, start subtracting.
There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.
Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.
WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link directly to free clips of Bieber's new album. Your welcome!
Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking
If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.
I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…
Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you. 