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... the weather guy just said, "We'll keep you up to breast" instead of "abreast." Guess this heat is getting to him, too ... 
No Budweisor I have not been drinking any officers tonight
a good friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be in there with you and a sister will stand outside the cell laughing at you
Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you
If Facebook really wanted to shake things up, they would introduce a thumbs-down "hate" button.
BREAKING NEWS: Myspace is dead!
Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim, it's what's in my genes
has been told by his girlfriend that he keeps having mood swings, so in an attempt to monitor my moods she got me one of those mood rings. When I'm in a good mood it goes green but when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on her f*%king forehead.
Don'T write HAPPY BIRTHDAY on my wall...Just send ur gift to this address!!
Bin Laden sees what BP's done, and he's like, "Man, I've got to step up my game."
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Smile and the world will smile back at you .. :D
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
Badder then your Ex and Better then your next
I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.
Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.
My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.
Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer... 