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Don't forget to judge others on the circumstances they can't control today. 
I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?
Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.
Women need to be touched by their partners twenty times a day; men need ten times! they get the extra ten from their imaginary lovers.
As far as I'm concerned, LL Cool J is old enough now he doesn't need to worry about what his "Momma said."
I never knew true happiness until I got married. But by then it was too late
I almost bet the people on the outside of the ark were talking crap as well...
My tombstone will just say DIED HORNY.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.
I just don't know about all this "elf on shelf" crap. Long before it was popular I was "elf on a milf?, Someone stole my idea.
T rolls used to live under bridges, now they live in their mom's basement.
i knew The Kardashians.we going to screw us up. look what it did too Bruce!!! freaking 0.j.
I think Miley Cyrus is jsut using her pop career as a spring board to her career as a washed up has been.
Dear Kellogs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerley, Tired Parents
Chill with the snow pics folks. It's fcuking winter. It's supposed to be cold.
to the lady in the office complaining about her man.... you can't spell MANAGEMENT without MANAGE MEN. if you can't manage 1 guy don't expect a promotion to be in charge of 10 men
Me: I gotta go home. I'm bleeding and my computer is broken. Boss: It looks like you just slammed your head through your monitor. Me: What is this, CSI?
Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome 