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People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari? 
"I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*
If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.
I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.
In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it.
50 Cent, or as he's called in the U.K, approximately 29p ...
So, where's the reset button on this life thing?
Who's in charge of the Facebook awards this year? I have a few names to submit for the "most likely to commit bestiality" category.
Does this nervous breakdown make me look fat?
We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.
*Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"
What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?
I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.
My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.
You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
If they ever start handing out medals for not participating in anything, that might be my moment to shine.
What do you mean you're pregnant? We slept on the pull out bed.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.
This lady called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a blouse. And y'all wonder why chivalry is dead? 