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I can never take an email seriously if it is typed in Comic Sans. 
Beatlejuice. Beatlejuice. Beatlejuice........ Well, that was a bunch of BS!
Do you know what I think is alarming?.... Clocks.
At the airport heading off to spring break. TSA hassling me about my suitcase full of wet t-shirts.
I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any.
For those of you whose FB picks I stalk late at night, it's only because your dog started barking when I was at your window!!
I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)
My sexual preference is you… daily!
There's always that one person who doesn't get it. Don't be that person, no...don't be that person.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide it's eggs?...Cuz it doesn't want anyone to know it's having sex with a chicken.
Just don't update your Facebook status, update your life status...Jesus
I use to be good at math, until they added the alphabet
Facebook...Where people present themselves as up and coming stars, yet no one, including 99% of the people on their friends list ever heard of them.
Rotisserie Chicken..a morbid Ferris-wheel for chicken...spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water...That's right… I LIKE MY CHICKEN DIZZY!!!
I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.
4:55 am. Just got back from sneaking into all of your bedrooms and putting your hands in bowls of lukewarm water.
What sound does a space turkey make??? Hubble Hubble Hubble.
I'm finishing off this bottle of wine because you never know when an asteroid is gonna hit and I'd hate to waste the $6.49 I spent on it.
It don't matter if I'm single, complicated, engaged, married or divorced. My friends always like my status!
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair. 